Don't Try This At Home
September 4th, 2018
I am infested!
I was ambling out of the house at 5:20-something in the morning, stumbling towards my car in order to get to work after a nice, four day weekend, when it happened. I stuck my key in the car door, and made the apparent mistake of inhaling. Something made a beeline for my windpipe at that precise moment, zipping from wherever it was lurking into my throat right as I took in two lungfuls of air.
I'm amazed that I didn't wake the neighborhood with the resultant retching. I'm further amazed that I didn't throw up as my body continued to revolt while whatever was in my windpipe wriggled around in an escape attempt. My amazement is off the scale, in fact, that I didn't violently throw up due to the ceaseless hacking and sputtering I engaged in during the next four hours of its struggle.
You're reading this, of course, so you know I somehow managed to survive my battle with Suicide Bug. I guess it finally gave up the ghost, and is slowly decomposing in my lungs as we speak. Or, alternately, it finally made it into my foodpipe and became a bit of additional protein for your friendly neighborhood Jerk. Don't know, don't really care. Just glad it's done tormenting me.
Or is it?
Note: that critter pictured here isn't what actually tried to murder me via divebombing my respiratory system. Or, again, is it?! I just managed to take a photograph of what was, ostensibly, a baby mantis, and felt like sharing it. At least, I think it's a baby mantis, because it doesn't look like any grasshopper I've ever seen. What am I, an entomologist? Read a book!