Self Help Guide For Wanks With Alarm Systems
November 18, 2008
It won't be my job to deal with you unwashed masses in bulk for much longer, but the point is until I get downsized officially, dealing with you lot still an issue. So what I have done here is to provide you, the consumer of home security products, a quick and dirty guide to the things you can do, if the service you are paying for calls you in the event of a problem, to avoid being a shambling shitpile.
Am I not lovely?
Suggestion 1: If you're paying an alarm company to watch over your life and your property, typically they are contractually bound to call you if they receive some kind of, I don't know, alarm signal? So when they actually do this, and you scream your head off at them in an impotent rage? Oops, you just put hairy balls in your mouth. And now that you've done that, I hope you savor the salty, sweaty taste of testiculars.
You see, if your house catches on fire, and we don't call you, we both know you're going to sue the living shit out of your alarm company. So for fuck's sake, don't be a jackass when you burn your fucking toast and we call you to make sure you and your stupid wife and your stupid drooling mutant inbred babies aren't turning crispy in an open blaze. You might actually need us some day.
During an actual fire, after all. And I say this as someone who, while he has had his fair share of 'bacon alarms' on Sunday mornings, has in fact had to call people when their actual house was actually on fire and there were actually people stuck inside. As much as I may say I wish you'd die in a fire, I only really wish that fate on the people in my life that are seriously asking for it.
Well, sometimes I wish it on that asshole at Taco Bell that doesn't give me a fucking spork, but that's different.
Suggestion 2: If you set off your burglar alarm because you're a clumsy redneck who just got electricity the year before and don't understand all this 'high tech hooey', try not to be an obstinate fuckwad when we call. The whole point of us asking what your name is is to identify who the fuck you are. If your alarm is going off, 'you called ME, you should know who I am' is not an acceptable answer.
When you give me that fucking answer, you've just ate a gigantic mouthful of shit. How's that coppery taste?
You see, in... simple terms. We are not what you would call psychic by any means. I mean I may be but they don't pay me to use my MIND POWERS at work, so I have to rely on my wits and common sense and, oh yes, a standardized procedure to determine whether or not you are authorized to be there. Asking your name is part of it and, when an alarm goes off, we make no assumptions.
You know, like, that you are the home owner just because you say you are. And if we get the feeling that you aren't, because you don't seem to know the name of the person that is the owner of the home... well we'll likely call the cops on your sorry ass. Not that asking one's name is the only means we use to verify you but that's the first step. 'Fuck you' is also not an acceptable answer, shit eater.
Suggestion 3: if you've got a problem with your alarm system of some sort or another, and don't bother to fix it for six months, that's perfectly okay. A lot of people are lazy (myself included) and get tired of swapping out batteries all the fucking time. I can relate, believe me. But knowing that when your alarm starts taking a shit we're going to call you, having a seizure when we do is pretty asinine.
See, the trick here is if you tell us to not call on something, we won't. So all you have to do is just say 'stop telling me I haven't changed my batteries in three years, I will get to it after xxx-mas' or something, and we'll stop fucking bothering you. It's that simple. So I hate to burst your bubble but when you don't tell us this, we'll keep calling you every time the damn equipment yells at us for help.
So bearing this in mind, when you let your equipment go to complete and utter shit and we do call you on it over and over and you don't do anything about it and don't tell us to not do anything about it, going completely apeshit and insulting my sweet, loveable mother not only means you just let a big cock into your mouth, but it was in someone's filthy ass a moment ago, and is covered in the shit.
Sucks to be you. Unless, again, you like that kind of thing.