Rot in Hell, Earnhardt.
March 3, 2009
So me and the Significant Other were at a pharmacy for the purposes of purchasing a large amount of chocolate bars, for purposes that I will detail for you at a later time, and things went Wrong. I was browsing around looking at a whole lot of nothing (which is something I tend to do when assaulted by an unbelievable array of commercial goods that, were my self control a bit less, I'd buy in bulk.
And I saw this. I found myself looking at it incredulously because, I had not heard of such a thing before, but there it is. A candy bar, already brimming with sugar - and I know this from personal experience - which has the added benefit of Caffeine. Because sure the goddamn things didn't give you enough of a rush from the overwhelming amounts of sugar, but now hey, here's some MOAR boost.
I didn't realize that the candy bar industry was hurting so goddamn much from the advent of the energy drink that they suddenly felt the need to compete. Much less with a product that isn't remotely the same. I mean fuck, I've never sat down and, upon realizing I was thirsty, felt the need to eat a Butterfinger ™ bar. Have you? I mean, when thirsty, do you ever fucking consider a candy bar?
Can a candy bar quench your thirst? No? If not, then what the fuck is this all about. Do the Powers That Be behind Butterfinger ™ think that my life is so empty of caffeine that they need to inject even more of the shit in my system? I think they're barking up the wrong tree, but I imagine somehow this thing will take off with people who are already on too much of the shit. Cue heart attacks now.
But really, I hadn't heard of this thing until I saw them in the store, and then the barrage of advertisements hit everywhere, so the crack heads at Butterfinger ™ aren't really fucking around, are they? Which is something when you get down to it. I'd really like to know who the fuckwits are that think up this shit, 'cause I need that job. I'm good at coming up with useless products nobody needs.
While we were at the drug store, however, I saw something else that just shone above and beyond the 'completely off their fucking rocker' scale. Walking around the corner from the affront to energy drinks that the people at Butterfinger ™ are perpetrating, we wandered into the aisle that has the 'holiday' bullshit. You know, the easter eggs, the fake grass, the gigantic motherfucking chocolate bunnies.
And then saw this. I had to document it because motherfucker, this was wacky. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I am vaguely familiar with the Bible, as I have read it once or twice. But in my readings, I don't recall the part where Dale Earnhardt jumped his NASCAR ™ thing over the Romans and drug the cross bearing Jesus off to safety. And yet, and yet. What do I see in the Easter isle but this.
Weird hollow chocolate NASCAR ™ cars. Apparently I am skirting the edge of motherfucking redneck country here in Ohio (but then I am dangerously close to Kentucky, I am told), but the goddamn inbreeds responsible for putting cars driving around in circles on my motherfucking television try to insert their so-called 'sport' into a so-called 'holiday' is over the top where arrogant is concerned.
Not that I personally give one shit or another about some jesus freak's personal holiday for their personal space boogie man. But it seems to me that you should keep your beer-drinking inbreeding masturbation event separate from your beer-drinking inbreeding masturbation religious holiday. Or is there something that you motherfuckers aren't telling me about the rabbit and all those easter eggs?