Poo in Dayton - or a suburb therein.

August 3, 2009

For Her Pleasure.

So apparently it's getting hot here again in Dayton. Well, Dayton-ish, I should say, since we don't actually live in Dayton, proper. Just a little town outside, though I guess it would like to be big. Big in the 'hey, we've got a mall, love us' kind of way. Or perhaps the 'hey, we have five different highways that all intersect at the exact same goddamn point, enjoy your gridlock' fashion.

I know that it is getting warmer because I had to go run some errands today, and I think I stuck to the seat a few times. Even though I was in fact wearing clothes. I know you find yourself asking, just how the hell does one manage that? Well, I'm still working that out myself, but having those leather seats (or perhaps, fake leather, hard for me to tell really, it's an old Mercury) sort of amplifies the heat.

A bunch. But anyway. I had to run some errands because somebody broke the toilet. I'd say it wasn't me, but you know... that'd probably be a fib. Of the epic variety. See, I've been doing this diet thing with the significant other, and it does things to my digestion. It makes me regular, but not in the fashion that most people experience such. As in 'once every other day I propel a volleyball through my ass.'

Boot to the head!

So yeah, I had to go buy a plunger. That one pictured there, in fact. It's a rather mighty fellow, I might add, so mighty that it was actually having a hard time fitting in our tiny apartment toilet. Not that it wouldn't clear the bowl so much as it won't fit perfectly right at the bottom for some reason, so I had to flush the damn thing to fill it up with water before I could make it work. That was fun.

It was like a race against the clock. 'Can Denny unclog the toilet before he's up to his ankles in soiled toilet water? Find out... after these messages from our sponsors!' But I managed it, and I have apparently moved the volleyball of poo down the pipes. Either that or it's going to lodge itself somewhere else down the way, and the whole building will smell like poo. Well, even more than it does now.

For some reason, our hallway outside smells like asshole. And I don't mean the hallway in here, so much as the one right outside our door. It's like a solid wall of stink that you walk into whenever you try to leave the place. Or upon coming home from a bunch of errands. Of course, I wasn't alone when I got home, for I was faced by a little barking turd that was trying to ward me away.

It's much bigger than the picture would make you think. Hur hur hur.

What was cool today though, was two other things that I saw when I was roaming about Miamisburg (that being the small town outside Dayton we live in, you see). The first was this moth. It was at the hardware store from which I bought that huge ass plunger with the ribbed handle - for her pleasure. Well, we say for 'her' pleasure but you never know, it might do in a pinch if I get all lonely.

I'm kidding.

Seriously.

Douche bag.

Anyway, I thought that was a pretty keen moth, so I thought I'd share it with you. I haven't seen anything moth-y that big in the wild, so I snapped a picture. Well, several, but then it wasn't fighting me too much; I think the poor fellow was dying. I nudged it and it only sort of shrugged at me. And it has six legs, which makes for a marvelous shrug, let me tell you.

Yo Joe?

But the last thing I saw here was at the Toys 'R Us store, right by the massive interchange of like five different highways (mentioned above). I hit that because I was driving around, and hoping to spot the 'Union Jack' figure that's supposed to be out. Not that I have moneys to speak of, but I mostly just wanted to check it out. And put it on my 'list' if it didn't suck.

And when I walked into the Toys 'R Us, I saw this. This massive, massive Gi Joe display. I suppose that since the movie is coming out this week, they were naturally going to jump all over this motherfucker. But it put me back in mind of a time from when I was a wee youth, as I haven't seen a ginormous Gi Joe display like that since I was a kid. So you know, it was awesome to look at.

Anyhow, I didn't buy any toys or games or anything else, I was just browsing. Honest. I did buy three cheese burgers, and stripped the buns off of them and ate them in one gigantic mass of meat. Apparently that only adds up to 3 carbs, so I'm well within my diet when I do ridiculous things like that. Of course, it'll guarantee I have to pass another volleyball here in a few days... urgh.

Incidentally, read my nerd-ograpy! I get paid for it (well, in theory anyway). It's at The Examiner Dot Com. Hit it up, already!

firebomb@obnoxiousjerk.com