Gallery: Failmobiles!

August 6th 2010

Fail Grafiti!

For those of you wondering just what that fail photo is all about, it was a bit of grafitti that me and Brenda tripped over while we were in downtown Dayton, Ohio a bit back. We'd gone to the farmer's market to pick up a lot of fresh grown foods, and other assorted awesome local products - since we refuse to buy anything from the big box stores if we can help it. But it's appropriate to today's subject.

For a while now, I've been collecting a huge arsenal of photos related to vehicles that amuse me. Or irritate me. Or are just plain weird. And the Sexy Other has wanted me to share some of these with all y'all - and thanks to the last month, I know I have a dedicated following, so I figured why not? The first subject of the Failmobile gallery is a truck with a bad case of truck balls. Or it was.

This is a strange case of me actually tripping over the same vehicle several times. The first time I took its picture, I saw the balls and simply had to record it. I mean, they hang about like mine do, so the amusement, it had me. What was weird was that we saw the same truck several months later (note the plates) and someone had neutered the poor thing! Check it out - either the driver or someone else took its balls. Nooo!

That poor truck. We spotted another truck a bit back that wasn't quite so netuered, though his ball sack was a bit different. It looked kinda like a boxing glove more than a bag of nuts, and hadn't been snipped yet. I think the best part though was the sign hanging up in the air in the distance, for TOOL RENTAL. It just seemed fitting, considering what we were looking at here.

Fuckin' truck balls.

Moving on, I've got another one I had to share with you. Me'n the SO had gone to the movie theater to see... well, I forget at this point, but that's not what's important. On our way into the place (or out, it was a while ago) we saw this beast of modern mobility. The owner of this truck had so much fail plastered onto the thing that we just had to snap a few pictures of it up.

Obviously there's the massive FORGIVEN by the blahblahblah sticker taking up his entire rear window, which you can't help but see from 300 yards (we know - we saw him in traffic later), and the MVNU sticker - some sort of Christian Liberal Arts school (oxymoron?). But then there's the fail number on the side (he apparently still misses EARNHARDT) and on the front - the demonic skull. Handi-failable!

Another fun truck we saw a bit back was encountered on the way to Ikea, in the midst of Cincinnati suburb traffic. We were waiting to turn towards the Ikea and we saw this thingerbob sitting on the bumper of a Dodge. I had the camera handy so I snapped it up, only now noticing the little bullseye on the stomach of the deer there. The best part was its legs twitched at random. That was fun to watch.

Once we'd arrived at the Ikea proper, however, I saw this bumper sticker, and had to leap into action with that there camera. I had it to take a picture of the Buttery Jesus (which has since burned to the ground) and thought this was a necessary thing to document, despite the battery being almost dead. I mean, just look at this. I can only hope that vapid shitpile runs for President. Oh, the hilarity that will ensue.

Speaking of obnoxious bumper stickers, here's one the two of us spotted on our way back from Ikea a different time. I think it was Ikea, at least. Anyways, we were driving home and saw this on the highway towards Miamisburg, and the rage had us both. It's not just that we had to see the obnoxious jesus toastie sticker, it was that we had to see the sticker in the wrong fucking place. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

And so is the guy in the van in Columbus, there. Not only did he do the same thing, but he did it about three hundred times. I mean, look at all that shit! A lot of it is similar jesus toastery, but some of it is other hippie stuff. The best part was that when I went to take a picture of the van, the douche bag driving it gave me a crusty ass look. News flash: if you sticker up your car, don't be surprised when it gets attention.

Schmuck. He also took five fucking minutes to get out of the can at the gas station there. Bleah.

Similarly, how the fuck does someone even see out their rear view window with this much cockmongery plastered on it? I assume the guy with the FORGIVEN sticker has one that's sort of see-through, but these are clearly not, here. All this anti-abortion and all this jingoistic crap has to be hard to see through. But then, when you are on the phone and texting the whole time you're in your SUV, I guess it don't matter.

I'll stop with the bumper stickers now though, 'cause instead I'd like to share some fucking horrible 'car art' with you. The first here is, of course, a falsehood. You see, despite the driver's assertion to the contrary, 'real' vampires do not sparkle. If you put a real vampire in the sun, it will combust and die horribly. If you are exposed to sunlight and sparkle, you are a fucking fairy, whether or not you drink blood.

Goddamn cockholes. FAIRY not VAMPIRE, get it straight. And for the stupid shitbags driving around with their 'Team Edward' stickers on their fucking cars, I salute you. At least we know who shouldn't be allowed to breed, since you're broadcasting the fact that you're a (barely) functional moron for the world to see. I appreciate you clearing that up for the rest of us - stickers like these and the Palin ones totally help out there.

Did you know? A lot of people have been snookered into this whole 'Twilight' thing. Blood-drinking fairies seems to be the thing these days. I'm all about the zombie pirates and robot ninjas myself, but I guess some people prefer the man-eating fairies instead. This one person here seems to get it, I mean they've got a Twilight sticker and a Tinker Bell sticker, so it's not just me. Mumble grumble.

To end this massive gallery of automotive fail (and it is pretty big, compared to my usual visual offerings), I've got a couple pictures of fucking idiots who just don't know how to fucking park. The first is a granny who had to take up four (count 'em) parking spaces at the Cub Oods (the 'F' never works on their sign), and even forgot to turn off her lights. I wonder how some people function these days.

Like this soccer mom at the Chick-Fil-A. We exposed my parents to the Chick-Fil-A when they visited here just yesterday, and they seemed to like it. But earlier in the year, I took a picture of this fail mom who can't park to save her life. I have a hint for you, people: if an SUV is too much for you to handle, maybe you should settle for a Yugo instead. You'll save yourself - and everyone else - a goddamn headache.

I hope you have enjoyed this journey through space, time, two cameras and a lot of really shitty vehicles. Y'all come back now, y'hear?

firebomb@obnoxiousjerk.com