Random Things 2
July 25, 2008
Some random things that come to mind.
* If you're one of the douchenozzles who thinks it's funny to start your answering machine message with 'Hello? Hey, I can barely hear you, speak up!', or 'Hey, this is (insert name of douchebag here), what's up?' or any other insipid variation on a theme, perhaps you should consider, I don't know, killing yourself. Because I talk to a lot of you daily.
And when I'm stuck listening to that insipidity while your house is on fire, I'm not calling the fire department.
* In a similar vein, I take issue with people who only leave their phone number on their answering machine as a supposed means of protecting their 'identity'. Yes, we know what your number is, and if we really wanted to steal your lousy identity, such as it is, we have tools to figure out what your name is anyway. Your cheap trick will not stop real criminals.
You may just delay them six seconds. And annoy them enough to buy dildos in your name.
* If you're all maudlin about your favorite online screen name being taken in a given environment, whether it be a video game or IM client, suck it up and think of something else. If you're so pathetic that you think you're clever because you went with xxx DEATHMONGER DELUXE xxx, don't consider killing yourself. Just do it. Jump in front of a train and make an ooey gooey mess of yourself.
Oh wait, too late. You're already a pathetic mess to start with.
* So a good friend of mine has sent me many books to keep me occupied whilst I am recovering from being blown up like a volleyball and having my intestines reinstalled back in their proper location. Yeah, that's basically the procedure I have endured - look up the whole hernia thing when you get a chance, and marvel at the Mad Science Horror I was subjected to.
And they're really good, I really must say. I have to adjust to reading all these 'Hellsing' books backwards but I think I've got it all worked out in my head. They're originally from Japan, you see, so they're from right to left. Pages, captions, frames, that kind of thing. Despite only having read two so far I can't help but recommend 'em enough.
Would I lie to you?
* I've been informed by other people that I talk to - mostly those that I work with - that my aggressive tendencies are a sign that I should seek 'professional help'. 'Normal people don't think about chainsawing other human beings just for being stupid', I am told. 'I don't know anyone else that actively thinks of new and creative ways of hurting people', they say.
Well that's silly, I say. Maybe if more people thought like I do there'd be less things going wrong with this country today. If you were of a mind to believe that say, maybe one in ten people you're talking to just might not have the patience to listen to your crap, and were more than happy to introduce you to a hand axe, there'd be less missionaries in the world.